I have yet to find the glow that is typically associated with pregnancy. While it may exist for some women, I seem to have missed the memo that pregnancy is supposed to make you feel like the beautiful trapeze artist at the fair instead of the bearded lady. Yes, the daily glances in the carnival mirror make it hard to appreciate the so called beauty of pregnancy.

Is creating a tiny human from scratch a miracle and a blessing? Of course, and when that baby comes out believe that I’m going to love the crap out of it, but let’s drop the facade that getting there is always this beautiful and inspiring journey. Sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes it makes you feel like a failure before you’ve even really begun. Sometimes it makes you second guess yourself and sometimes it snuffs out your fire instead of igniting your glow.

With my first pregnancy I ended up with pretty awful anxiety–a side effect that is rarely spoken about as I learned after the fact. Near the end, it took everything I had to force myself out of the house for twenty minutes at a time in order to check one thing off the list. Could I count the number of times I cried in a parking lot trying to convince myself to get out of the car? Probably not as the panic attacks seemed endless, but yay! I made it to the end and holding my little love was the high that made the lows worth it. Did the anxiety go away overnight? No, but in breaking, I was able to build myself into a better and stronger version than before which is something I’m actually quite proud of.

So fast forward to this pregnancy and I had told myself things would be different. I had a vision of the person I wanted to be, and I had that match ready to light that glow. Well, despite my most optimistic intentions, that just has not been the case. There has been obstacle after obstacle, emergency room visits and daily pains in line, if not worse, than those felt after being induced at forty plus weeks. Though the anxiety has not been as bad as before, it has been present enough to leave me disengaged when it comes to social interactions. While I have to force myself out of the house for my kiddo, keeping up with friendships, social media or anything that will take me out of my homeward bubble has been a challenge that I have unfortunately been less amazing at overcoming.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that my glow was barely an ember. Despite the fact that I frequently share about my struggles, for some reason I felt like I needed to keep up appearances and fake it till I made it. So of course when that approach did not work–because who honestly ever feels better when they’re being inauthentic to themselves–I decided the best thing for my system was a reboot. To unplug and refocus.

Now, thanks to a little surge I received this weekend from an amazing mommy blogger I know, I am going to try waking up from this winter to enjoy the sunny days ahead.

Even if the fog hasn’t fully lifted, I think I can finally start to see the lighthouse ready to guide me home.